[Watching TJ withdraw and close himself off is startlingly painful, but more surprising is the fact that he'd hurt TJ with his comment. That isn't fair, Sam wants to say but doesn't. Every other time he'd attempted to get TJ interested in what was going on with his life, he'd been brushed off with a wave of a hand and a hollow laugh, reminded once again that he shouldn't take things so seriously.
Sure, they'd joked around, managed to meet up and hang out with it not turning into a booty call somehow, but there had always been a wall around TJ, and Sam had never known how to get passed that. He'd almost given up trying by now.
It doesn't help much that the topic TJ's interested in is something that's still pretty confidential, even with the information dumped into the internet.
Rubbing his hand over his face, Sam leans forward, tries to get TJ's attention back on him.]
TJ, I got caught up in a lot of things.
[Such as having his wings ripped apart while he was wearing them, having to jump out a building and hope to god that helicopter would catch him, and joining a superhero on a road trip to track down his best friend. Among other things. It honestly hadn't occurred to him that TJ would care.]
And I know you have a lot of distractions. [Many of them hotter than Sam is, he's sure.] I wasn't even sure you'd realize I was gone that long.
[ Sam's effort to get TJ's attention go unrewarded. He doesn't really look up from the table. Instead, his lips pinch slightly, his tongue dragging over his teeth as he tries to first parse the feeling that begins to creep up the back of his neck, then do his level best to clamp down on it, shove it away until it doesn't matter anymore.
A lot of distractions, he says so casually. There's only one way that's meant, and quite frankly, TJ's a little offended. He can't say there hasn't been any, because there have been. There's no commitment here between them, so who he chooses to spend his time with is his own business. He doesn't feel sorry for doing it, either. They're not important. Their names don't get remembered, they don't get invited into his life. Not like this. And logically, TJ knows that Sam can't possibly know he's getting a special treatment, but he feels like he should know anyway. He sees the handful of stories about him—there's always enough gossip running in sidebars of being seen with this person or that person—but there's rarely any repeats. Those that are, are actually friends. He'd fallen into something too easy with Sam, tricked himself into believing there was or might have been something more.
Certainly not the first time for that.
Clearing his throat, he looks up, still not exactly looking at Sam, more at the empty space just beside his head. Another smile is painted on, and he laughs, a breathless sort of sound because he can't stop it from bubbling free. It's devoid of all mirth and sounds pathetic in his own ears. ]
It's not a big deal, Sam. Really. You don't have to tell me anything.
[ Forcing himself now, he looks directly at Sam, that same smile still plastered on his lips. His finger taps the plate. ]
Dinner was good. Great. [ Pushing back from the table, he wets his lips as he stands. ] I'm just going to [ . . . ] step outside for a second. You know. [ He mimes smoking, as he moves around the table to get the hell out of there and outside to get his head back on straight. ]
There's a spike of frustration there, mixed with the hurt. He hates how TJ can only see how his side is affected in all of those, how he doesn't try to communicate or clear things up, preferring instead to just turn tail and run. It just seems to selfish, as if he thinks that Sam's not worth fighting for.
Maybe it's unfair of Sam to be thinking this way, but right now, his own feelings are a mess as well and he just wants to lash out. However, even with all of this (figuratively) on his plate right now, he knows that if he lets TJ walk away now, there will be no going back. He'll leave and never come back, never answer his calls. Sam's aware of how this kind of thing usually goes when one or both people in question are this fucked up emotionally speaking.
It's starting to look like he still hasn't quite given up on this not-relationship they have.
He stands when TJ does, trying to keep calm.]
TJ -- [His voice comes out more pleading than he'd planned. Biting his lip, he just decides to go on with it. If he screws this up, there likely will never be a second chance to fix things.]
Look, I just, I don't understand, okay? Can we just -- talk? Please? Let me know what's going on, and I'll take my turn after.
[ Of course it's selfish. TJ never claimed to be otherwise. He knows he is, every aspect of his life is built around himself. There are ways he tries to open up, to not keep focus on himself, but they're rare occurrences, since it's that whole opening up part that is the fly in the ointment. There are easy answers in avoidance. TJ turns to them exactly for that reason. There's less hurt when those strings aren't attached to anything.
And this? This is starting to feel like there are strings attached. Which makes him less inclined to want to do anything but fuck it all up.
TJ stops in the entryway, though doesn't turn around. At least, not right away. Instead, he stares blankly in front of him, forcing his mind to organize the thoughts currently swirling around in a jumbled mess. He's got to say something. Anything. A short breath is taken and he turns his head slightly, looking over his shoulder and there's another press-worthy smile on his lips. ]
There's nothing going on, Sam. [ He makes a gesture toward Sam first, then himself. ] What you do isn't any of my business. I shouldn't have asked.
[ This is diplomacy at work here. Even TJ can't deny he's learned a thing or two. He forces a laugh, but it just sounds like a flat breath of air. ] Sorry. Just—forget I said anything.
[He doesn't want to end it like this, not with TJ deflecting everything he's trying to do or say to get an actual conversation going. It's a last ditch effort, but if TJ wants to hear the truth from him, then fine.]
I thought I was done with killing, okay. Done with war, all that shit.
[It just bursts out of him. It's something he's struggled to verbalize up until now, something that's been bothering him since the whole fiasco with HYDRA and the hellicarriers went down but has been pushed to the back of his mind until things died down. Even while on the road with Steve, he'd been plagued by it, by nightmares that Steve had to wake him from because the whole experience just brought about too many memories.]
But it's not like you can say no when your country and people you care about are in danger.
[When Steve and Natasha filled him in on what Project Insight was supposed to do, aside from his own family, his mind had immediately flashed to TJ's family, sure that they would be among the people HYDRA would want to get rid of. That had to take a backseat to everything else as well, but it helped him to fight even harder to ensure that neither TJ nor any of the people he cared for would get hurt.
He sits back down, slumping just a little in his seat, rubbing at his face.]
I didn't want you to get involved in all of that shit, TJ. I don't know if any of that's what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.
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Sure, they'd joked around, managed to meet up and hang out with it not turning into a booty call somehow, but there had always been a wall around TJ, and Sam had never known how to get passed that. He'd almost given up trying by now.
It doesn't help much that the topic TJ's interested in is something that's still pretty confidential, even with the information dumped into the internet.
Rubbing his hand over his face, Sam leans forward, tries to get TJ's attention back on him.]
TJ, I got caught up in a lot of things.
[Such as having his wings ripped apart while he was wearing them, having to jump out a building and hope to god that helicopter would catch him, and joining a superhero on a road trip to track down his best friend. Among other things. It honestly hadn't occurred to him that TJ would care.]
And I know you have a lot of distractions. [Many of them hotter than Sam is, he's sure.] I wasn't even sure you'd realize I was gone that long.
no subject
A lot of distractions, he says so casually. There's only one way that's meant, and quite frankly, TJ's a little offended. He can't say there hasn't been any, because there have been. There's no commitment here between them, so who he chooses to spend his time with is his own business. He doesn't feel sorry for doing it, either. They're not important. Their names don't get remembered, they don't get invited into his life. Not like this. And logically, TJ knows that Sam can't possibly know he's getting a special treatment, but he feels like he should know anyway. He sees the handful of stories about him—there's always enough gossip running in sidebars of being seen with this person or that person—but there's rarely any repeats. Those that are, are actually friends. He'd fallen into something too easy with Sam, tricked himself into believing there was or might have been something more.
Certainly not the first time for that.
Clearing his throat, he looks up, still not exactly looking at Sam, more at the empty space just beside his head. Another smile is painted on, and he laughs, a breathless sort of sound because he can't stop it from bubbling free. It's devoid of all mirth and sounds pathetic in his own ears. ]
It's not a big deal, Sam. Really. You don't have to tell me anything.
[ Forcing himself now, he looks directly at Sam, that same smile still plastered on his lips. His finger taps the plate. ]
Dinner was good. Great. [ Pushing back from the table, he wets his lips as he stands. ] I'm just going to [ . . . ] step outside for a second. You know. [ He mimes smoking, as he moves around the table to get the hell out of there and outside to get his head back on straight. ]
no subject
There's a spike of frustration there, mixed with the hurt. He hates how TJ can only see how his side is affected in all of those, how he doesn't try to communicate or clear things up, preferring instead to just turn tail and run. It just seems to selfish, as if he thinks that Sam's not worth fighting for.
Maybe it's unfair of Sam to be thinking this way, but right now, his own feelings are a mess as well and he just wants to lash out. However, even with all of this (figuratively) on his plate right now, he knows that if he lets TJ walk away now, there will be no going back. He'll leave and never come back, never answer his calls. Sam's aware of how this kind of thing usually goes when one or both people in question are this fucked up emotionally speaking.
It's starting to look like he still hasn't quite given up on this not-relationship they have.
He stands when TJ does, trying to keep calm.]
TJ -- [His voice comes out more pleading than he'd planned. Biting his lip, he just decides to go on with it. If he screws this up, there likely will never be a second chance to fix things.]
Look, I just, I don't understand, okay? Can we just -- talk? Please? Let me know what's going on, and I'll take my turn after.
no subject
And this? This is starting to feel like there are strings attached. Which makes him less inclined to want to do anything but fuck it all up.
TJ stops in the entryway, though doesn't turn around. At least, not right away. Instead, he stares blankly in front of him, forcing his mind to organize the thoughts currently swirling around in a jumbled mess. He's got to say something. Anything. A short breath is taken and he turns his head slightly, looking over his shoulder and there's another press-worthy smile on his lips. ]
There's nothing going on, Sam. [ He makes a gesture toward Sam first, then himself. ] What you do isn't any of my business. I shouldn't have asked.
[ This is diplomacy at work here. Even TJ can't deny he's learned a thing or two. He forces a laugh, but it just sounds like a flat breath of air. ] Sorry. Just—forget I said anything.
no subject
I thought I was done with killing, okay. Done with war, all that shit.
[It just bursts out of him. It's something he's struggled to verbalize up until now, something that's been bothering him since the whole fiasco with HYDRA and the hellicarriers went down but has been pushed to the back of his mind until things died down. Even while on the road with Steve, he'd been plagued by it, by nightmares that Steve had to wake him from because the whole experience just brought about too many memories.]
But it's not like you can say no when your country and people you care about are in danger.
[When Steve and Natasha filled him in on what Project Insight was supposed to do, aside from his own family, his mind had immediately flashed to TJ's family, sure that they would be among the people HYDRA would want to get rid of. That had to take a backseat to everything else as well, but it helped him to fight even harder to ensure that neither TJ nor any of the people he cared for would get hurt.
He sits back down, slumping just a little in his seat, rubbing at his face.]
I didn't want you to get involved in all of that shit, TJ. I don't know if any of that's what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.