[ Of course it's selfish. TJ never claimed to be otherwise. He knows he is, every aspect of his life is built around himself. There are ways he tries to open up, to not keep focus on himself, but they're rare occurrences, since it's that whole opening up part that is the fly in the ointment. There are easy answers in avoidance. TJ turns to them exactly for that reason. There's less hurt when those strings aren't attached to anything.
And this? This is starting to feel like there are strings attached. Which makes him less inclined to want to do anything but fuck it all up.
TJ stops in the entryway, though doesn't turn around. At least, not right away. Instead, he stares blankly in front of him, forcing his mind to organize the thoughts currently swirling around in a jumbled mess. He's got to say something. Anything. A short breath is taken and he turns his head slightly, looking over his shoulder and there's another press-worthy smile on his lips. ]
There's nothing going on, Sam. [ He makes a gesture toward Sam first, then himself. ] What you do isn't any of my business. I shouldn't have asked.
[ This is diplomacy at work here. Even TJ can't deny he's learned a thing or two. He forces a laugh, but it just sounds like a flat breath of air. ] Sorry. Just—forget I said anything.
[He doesn't want to end it like this, not with TJ deflecting everything he's trying to do or say to get an actual conversation going. It's a last ditch effort, but if TJ wants to hear the truth from him, then fine.]
I thought I was done with killing, okay. Done with war, all that shit.
[It just bursts out of him. It's something he's struggled to verbalize up until now, something that's been bothering him since the whole fiasco with HYDRA and the hellicarriers went down but has been pushed to the back of his mind until things died down. Even while on the road with Steve, he'd been plagued by it, by nightmares that Steve had to wake him from because the whole experience just brought about too many memories.]
But it's not like you can say no when your country and people you care about are in danger.
[When Steve and Natasha filled him in on what Project Insight was supposed to do, aside from his own family, his mind had immediately flashed to TJ's family, sure that they would be among the people HYDRA would want to get rid of. That had to take a backseat to everything else as well, but it helped him to fight even harder to ensure that neither TJ nor any of the people he cared for would get hurt.
He sits back down, slumping just a little in his seat, rubbing at his face.]
I didn't want you to get involved in all of that shit, TJ. I don't know if any of that's what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.
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no subject
And this? This is starting to feel like there are strings attached. Which makes him less inclined to want to do anything but fuck it all up.
TJ stops in the entryway, though doesn't turn around. At least, not right away. Instead, he stares blankly in front of him, forcing his mind to organize the thoughts currently swirling around in a jumbled mess. He's got to say something. Anything. A short breath is taken and he turns his head slightly, looking over his shoulder and there's another press-worthy smile on his lips. ]
There's nothing going on, Sam. [ He makes a gesture toward Sam first, then himself. ] What you do isn't any of my business. I shouldn't have asked.
[ This is diplomacy at work here. Even TJ can't deny he's learned a thing or two. He forces a laugh, but it just sounds like a flat breath of air. ] Sorry. Just—forget I said anything.
no subject
I thought I was done with killing, okay. Done with war, all that shit.
[It just bursts out of him. It's something he's struggled to verbalize up until now, something that's been bothering him since the whole fiasco with HYDRA and the hellicarriers went down but has been pushed to the back of his mind until things died down. Even while on the road with Steve, he'd been plagued by it, by nightmares that Steve had to wake him from because the whole experience just brought about too many memories.]
But it's not like you can say no when your country and people you care about are in danger.
[When Steve and Natasha filled him in on what Project Insight was supposed to do, aside from his own family, his mind had immediately flashed to TJ's family, sure that they would be among the people HYDRA would want to get rid of. That had to take a backseat to everything else as well, but it helped him to fight even harder to ensure that neither TJ nor any of the people he cared for would get hurt.
He sits back down, slumping just a little in his seat, rubbing at his face.]
I didn't want you to get involved in all of that shit, TJ. I don't know if any of that's what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.